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Dec29
30 Things More Likely Than Baron Davis Rejoining the Warriors
Filed under: Commentary; Tagged as: Al Harrington, Allen Iverson, Andre Miller, Barack Obama, Baron Davis, Barry Bonds, Chris Kaman, Clay Bennett, Corey Maggette, Dennis Rodman, Derrick Rose, Dikembe Mutombo, Eric Gordon, Erick Dampier, George Bush, Gilbert Arenas, Gregg Popovich, Jamal Crawford, Jose Calderon, Kerri Walsh, Kevin Garnett, Kevin McHale, Kobe Bryant, Larry Brown, Marc Gasol, Marcus Camby, Marcus Thompson, Mark Cuban, Misty May-Treanor, Pau Gasol, Robert Rowell, Ron Artest, Sean May, Shaquille O'Neal, Stephen Jackson, Stephon Marbury, Steve Nash, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter, Zach RandolphBy Geoff Lepper
48minutes.netBy now, you’ve undoubtedly read Marcus Thompson’s blog item regarding the report from Stephen Jackson that Baron Davis wants to be traded back to the Bay less than six months after bolting to go back home.
Aside from the usual eye-rolling that comes with most Baron pronouncements, there’s a very specific and immoveable obstacle to this scenario: BD can’t seriously think that the Warriors (i.e., team president Robert Rowell) — who didn’t want to be on the hook for four fully guaranteed years because of concerns about Davis’ health and motivation — are suddenly going to be willing to pay for FIVE seasons.
Here, then, is a helpful guide to 30 things more likely to happen than Baron Davis coming back to the Bay:
1) Barack Obama arrives at the White House on the afternoon of Jan. 20, spots George Bush ducking out the back door, tosses him the keys and says, “You can keep it. I just got Hank Paulson’s last report, and I’m outta here.”
2) Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter each play 82 games — in the same season.
3) Clay Bennett goes bankrupt and the City of Seattle picks up the Thunder for $42,598 plus court costs in an Oklahoma City repo auction.
4) Warrior fans make it through a broadcast without being reminded that they’re missing (insert number here) points per game.
5) Larry Brown quits the Bobcats out of sheer frustration with Sean May.
(Wait, that one could actually happen.)
6) The L wakes up to the fact that Kevin Garnett has crossed the line from “hard-nosed” to “wantonly overaggressive” and finally takes some punitive action.
7) Allen Iverson takes two weeks off from the Pistons, undergoes 274 laser treatments and comes back without any tattoos.
8 ) Jose Calderon misses a free throw. But only one.
9) Gilbert Arenas announces that he’s quitting the NBA to switch to blogging full-time.
10) Jamal Crawford starts to play lockdown defense.
11) Barry Bonds is named the San Francisco Giants’ new strength and conditioning coach.
12) Kobe Bryant drops 71 on the Suns, then tells a live ABC audience: “Shaq, your ass taste like chicken. At least, that’s what Steve Nash said.”
13) Al Harrington tells Jackson that he’d like to come back to the Warriors, too.
14) Erick Dampier acknowledges that he hasn’t played up to the seven-year, $73 million deal he signed in 2004 and gives Mark Cuban an oversized posterboard check for $30 million in a halftime ceremony at a Mavericks home game.
15) Cuban’s attorneys immediately take half as a retainer.
16) The San Jose Sharks turn yet another glittering regular season into a Stanley Cup title.
17) Stephon Marbury returns to the Knicks at the All-Star break, scores 22.8 points per game the rest of the way and leads New York to the playoffs.
18) Corey Maggette misses 17 games after tearing his lat during a particularly vigorous weight-training session.
19) Eric Gordon takes a rainbow jumper that gets caught among the banners at the TD Banknorth Arena and never comes back to the court.
20) Thanks to a general outcry from critics, “ER” gets renewed.
21) Newspapers in the United States report a 450 percent jump in readership for 2008 over 2007.
22) Dikembe Mutombo stays retired.
23) Dennis Rodman doesn’t.
24) Gregg Popovich promises to dress like Gandalf for the duration of the Spurs’ playoff run.
Will Pop . . .
. . . pick up pipe-smoking as well?
25) Derrick Rose actually breaks Andre Miller’s ankle.
26) Kerri Walsh announces that because it’s too hard to choose a new partner while Misty May-Treanor recovers from her torn Achilles tendon, she’s just going to play solo on the AVP Tour.
And she still wins every tournament.
27) The luxurious manes of Pau and Marc Gasol are revealed to be nothing more than wild wigs when Ron Artest yanks on Pau’s hair during one particularly intense Rockets-Lakers confrontation.
28) Kevin McHale goes 1-62 as a coach. AND STILL KEEPS HIS JOB.
29) No, really: Jamal Crawford starts to play lockdown defense.
30) The Clippers wake up on the morning after the trade deadline and find that not only is Davis still clad in red and blue, but they also still employ Zach Randolph, Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby.
Contact: geofflepper@48minutes.net
17 Responses to “30 Things More Likely Than Baron Davis Rejoining the Warriors”
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M.Squared December 29th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
#12 is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
Well played Geoff……..I am LMAO right now…… -
comedy gold
#31) Mark Roman gets an interception that isn’t overturned by penalty.
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IJack is acting like because he’s captain he needs to get this Baron thing done in order to right the ship. That’s Captain Jack. The guy who managed to get a technical from the bench last night and further deflate the Warriors’ slim chances against the Lakers at a particularly bad time. Oh, on top of five TOs. The Decider.
Jack says Baron wants to return to GS. Imagine how that is going to play out in Clipperland.
Baron Davis looked absolutely uninterested in playing against the Mavericks yesterday. Mavs, without Dirk, kick the Clippers by 22 in LA. Baron was 4 for 13 floor, 0 for 3 on threes in the game. For the year, Davis is shooting 37% floor, 30% threes. His career stats are aren’t all that much better.
He led the fool’s gold rush of a couple years ago right to the point where gimmicky teams get snuffed by the adults. Please, let’s not fall for this charade again.
The best player for the Clippers this year has been Zach Randolph, who has undermined something of Davis’ need to be “the man.”
Maybe Nelson figures Davis’ return would be the best for him. He wouldn’t have to worry about developing the young talent and could possibly stack up enough wins to pass Lenny Wilkens. Of course Phil Jackson will pass them both, which will likely inspire another Nelly run when he’s in his eighties. And some fool in Warriorland will likely sign him up!
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Love #13 because that may be the least likely thing to happen.
BTW, has anyone seen Big Al’s numbers over the past 2 weeks? Starting to look a lot more like that Al we all remember.
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Jr Honda December 29th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Yea, I noticed that also lately about Al’s numbers. Looks like the honeymoon is over.
Love #29, laughed out loud on that one.
#32–CC finally breaks down and buys a Belli jersey, knowing he can no longer deny his greatness.
(CC….just messin with ya ;.)
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Current loud-mouthed fairweather Belinelli fans will cry themselves to sleep when they realize the strength of my conviction and the wisdom of my eye for talent on this.
Then they’ll move on to the next flavor of the week in NellieDistractionland USA.
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thanks for the list, that was hella funny
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Rowell ain’t nobody. He’s just a middle man. Seriously, if Nellie and Jack are more vocal about this and they get some of the minority owners or even Chris Cohan aboard, it can happen.
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# 22 just happened (or just didn’t happen?): http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/28437907/
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Well played friend.
As a lifelong Clipper fan, I saw this coming… another year, same old ClipperShips.
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Geoff,
a little off your topic above, but beyond brandan wrights defensive lapses, can he become a better rebounder with more playing time or is it strictly a work on it in practice thing, I would guess a little of both. But him only playing 7 minutes does not give much indication whether he can or not. Also was Hendrix strictly a money move because how could it have to have him play out the season in Bakersfield and see how he progressed or is there a Chris Porter story behind him? -
Pure Gold Lep!
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The best player for the Clippers this year has been Zach Randolph, who has undermined something of Davis’ need to be “the man.”
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that was hella funny
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same old ClipperShips.
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