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Nov13
Boomshakalaka: Who would be on your current NBA Jam teams?
Filed under: HTLFMARC;(aka How To Lose Fake Money And Real Credibility, Part 17, today’s installment of your faithful reporter’s quest to prognosticate all 1,230 NBA regular-season games this season)
Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking — yes, hard as that is to believe — about NBA Jam, basketball’s first great video game. For those of you too young to remember 1993 — or too old to have been visiting arcades back then — this is the machine that, if you were a hoops fan, took all of your money, all of the time. “He’s on FIRE!” became a catchphrase. Mike Iuzzolino’s game-winning 3-pointer from half court on behalf of your AI opponent haunted your dreams.
(BTW, old machines are available for less than $1,000. Just a thought for folks looking for holiday shopping ideas…)
In any case, one thing that struck me was this: With only a lone original Jam player still active (Shaquille O’Neal, who supposedly used to bring a full-sized machine with him on the road), it’s time to update the classic and give you NBA Jam teams, 15 years on.
Atlanta: Joe Johnson and Josh Smith
As a friend of mine pointed out, this may be the PERFECT NBA Jam team.Boston: Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce
You have to pause for a moment to give Ray Allen some credit. But not long enough to replace Pierce.Charlotte: Jason Richardson and Gerald Wallace
Some will want the floppy-haired version of Adam Morrison for comedy relief.Chicago: Luol Deng and Derrick Rose
Ben Gordon would be a devastating 3-point weapon here, but you can’t get away without putting the potential Rookie of the Year in the game.Cleveland: LeBron James and Zydrunas Ilgauskas
This, right here, is why I hate the Cavaliers. Big Z? Mo Williams? Ben Wallace? Honestly? These are the best options available? Feh.Dallas: Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard
Jason Kidd is too far past his prime.Denver: Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups
It’s never good in this game when the guard is your better defender.Detroit: Allen Iverson and Rasheed Wallace
I know, I know, Tayshaun Prince should be the pick. But I just couldn’t resist the allure.Golden State: Monta Ellis and Stephen Jackson
There will HAVE to be a moped power up.Houston: Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming
No Ron-Ron is a shame; maybe he and Ray Allen can be an All-Spurned team unto themselves.Indiana: Mike Dunleavy and Danny Granger
I wouldn’t argue too much if you went with T.J. Ford in place of Dunleavy.Los Angeles Clippers: Baron Davis and Marcus Camby
It was correctly pointed out to me that Camby, even though he’s a newbie, outranks Chris Kaman by a factor of 10,000 or so in terms of athleticism.Los Angeles Lakers: Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol
Well, duh.Memphis: Rudy Gay and O.J. Mayo
For a franchise team that’s so horrible, this is a sick Jam team.Miami: Michael Beasley and Dwyane Wade
Though it was tempting to go for Yakhouba Diawara and Chris Quinn.Milwaukee: Richard Jefferson and Michael Redd
It’s as boring here as it is in real-life.Minnesota: Al Jefferson and Mike Miller
Could be surprisingly good.New Jersey: Vince Carter and Yi Jianlian
Devin Harris is undoubtedly a better player than Yi, strictly from an on-court standpoint. But there’s no way a game manufacturer would pass up the chance to add another high-profile Chinese player to the mix.New Orleans: Chris Paul and David West
Immediate title contenders.New York: Jamal Crawford and Zach Randolph
But you would absolutely have to create a secret code to unlock Stephon Marbury and Eddy Curry. Also: Nate Robinson could be the next Spud Webb.Oklahoma City: Kevin Durant and Jeff Green
Ugh. Just ugh.Orlando: Dwight Howard and Rashard Lewis
Hedo Turkoglu comes in a close third.Phoenix: Amare Stoudemire and Steve Nash
Immediate title contenders, part II.Philadelphia: Elton Brand and Andre Iguodala
Should be better than it would turn out to be. Maybe we ought to just substitute Dr. J and Moses as a retro squad.Portland: Greg Oden and Brandon Roy
The new hotness.Sacramento: Kevin Martin and Brad Miller
Too bad there’s no rating specifically for high-post passing.San Antonio: Tim Duncan and Tony Parker
Caution: the sight of Tim Duncan doing a 720 Statue of Liberty jam might make you spray your drink out your nose and all over the controls.Toronto: Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon
Part of me really wanted to go big with Jermaine O’Neal, hearkening back to the original game’s pairing of Seattle’s Shawn Kemp and Benoit Benjamin, but I stayed traditional.Utah: Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams
Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose.Washington: Gilbert Arenas and Antawn Jamison
Caron Butler may be the best player on the floor night in and night out for Washington, but that doesn’t matter in this debate.As a fun aside, here’s the original video press release on the game.
Coming tomorrow: Who would win a 30-team NBA Jam tournament. In the meantime, the picks you’ve all been waiting for:
Pistons (5-2) at Warriors (3-5), 7:35 p.m.
Pick: Pistons -4.5
The big question: Who’s Stephen Jackson going to cover? Don Nelson used C.J. Watson to chase around Sacramento’s Kevin Martin on Sunday, which would be the best approximation for the Pistons’ Rip Hamilton. But that means Jackson will be stuck trying to handle Allen Iverson — as well as orchestrating much of Golden State’s offense. I’m tired just typing that sentence.Nuggets (4-3) at Cavaliers (6-2), 5:05 p.m.
Pick: Nuggets +7
Denver’s 3-0 since Chauncey Billups’ arrival. Tough to bet against that.Mavericks (2-5) at Bulls (3-5), 5:35 p.m.
Pick: Bulls +1
If it turns out Derrick Rose can’t play, then just ignore this pick.Yesterday: 4-7 (no bonus points, unfortunately, for predicting Matt Barnes would incite a near-brawl last night)
Season record: 54-61-1– Geoff
20 Responses to “Boomshakalaka: Who would be on your current NBA Jam teams?”
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You can download NBA Jam for DOS out on the internet
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Geoff Lepper November 13th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Yeah, but that won’t drive my wife nearly as crazy as a full cabinet.
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just awesome. if possible, please drag out the imaginary tournament over days so we can have 10 graf-long debates over each round’s “results”. also, as messaged elsewhere, my picks for tonight:
Nuggets +7
Bulls +1.5
Pistons - 47-4 last night
36-45 on the season -
Jack with the extension-worthy half against a premier powerhouse team firing on all cylinders.
I think he’ll win MVP this year. He deserves it already.
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with that missed dunk, Mr. Biedrins just took himself out of the running…
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Nellie a prick. How Jack gonna win if he always gassed? No rest.
All Nellie’s fault. -
I remember having a few guys to choose from in NBA Jam…3 or maybe 4
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Geoff Lepper November 14th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Ryder: That was the Tournament Edition, which came later. The original only had the two.
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This is good stuff man. But you’re forgetting that NBA Jams was won with a shot blocker and a three point shooter. So, leave out the Hornets. My vote goes to Orlando, with Superman and Lewis.
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Isn’t all the newer NBA Jam 3 on 3?
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Geoff Lepper November 14th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I believe you can choose from three or more players in the newer game, but it’s still 2-on-2, as far as I know.
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You just barely covered the Pistons game. I still am in shock over Anthony Morrow’s game on Saturday. Unreal.
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I’m with JP. That Orlando team would be slick.
Big Dwight dunks from all over the place and smashes people with reckless abandon. Rashard Lewis hits threes and generally runs around being a nuisance.
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